Kobe’s quest for Olympic Gold!

PS… I am so NOT a kobe fan  This is awesome.

Who knew that reading Shirley Guthrie could be such a fulfilling experience?  I certainly didn’t expect studying for ords to be gratifying in most senses of the word, so it has certainly been a welcome surprise to find that the most universally recommended text for studying for ords happens to be one of the more engaging survey texts I have gotten my hands on in the past few years…. speaking of which, I find myself asking how is it possible that I have yet to come across this book after two years at Harvard Divinity School?  Do I even want to know the answer?

The youth are gone for the summer…. and yet I remain.  We are done next Tuesday at noon, which feels unreal, considering that this summer has been so full of experiences and of work.  It has been frustrating, exhilarating, eye-opening, challenging, exciting, and it isn’t over yet.  Now the fun begins–cleaning up the mess we made and processing the experience ( as though all we could feel about it will be clear in the next 3 days… I will be processing this for months!)

The worst I think is realizing that I have to go back to Boston soon.  Not that I dislike Boston, but I am not really mentally prepared to go for many reasons.  For all of the frustrations of the Youth Initiative as a staffer on its inagaural summer, I have really come to love this place and its people.  I have grown accustomed to being around Alex so comfortably over the past year (almost) and I am afraid to figure out what it will be like to live far away from him for 8 months.  I am worried because I know it will be hard to leave everything, because I don’t know if I am prepared to hunker down and write vociferously for 8 months while dreaming of those far from me.

So yea, thats whats on my mind (in addition to the war in georgia and ordination exams and all the other things swirling in the air).

On diplomacy

on gentrification

On homelessness

more on homelessness in   philadelphia in the news

Shout out to all yall in the Presby world—

I am studying for ords and its getting down to the wire… and I know I am not alone in this but it is often difficult to sort out how to prepare for these things (esp when you aren’t at a presby semianry.)  So it occurred to me to ask– does anyone have suggestions for the theology and worship exams?

Tagging:

Carol

Bruce

David

Adam

It’s my day off, and not a moment too soon.  This summer has been amazing, but also incredibly frustrating, sometimes ridiculously unbearable, and I am still trying to sort out how to make sense out of my experiences.  I have found myself in a community that is doing things that I care deeply about and doing them with courage and faith and grace even when it is difficult, but I have also experienced a sense of being on the wrong side of things– not ideologically, but more like programmatically.  As someone on the Youth Initiative staff, I have often felt that I am in BSM but not of BSM, almost a second-class staff citizen and intern in the community.  Our staff doesn’t go to staff meetings, doesn’t do supervision with Bill, doesn’t interface much with anyone that isn’t Erika or the youth themselves.  And yes, I understand that we came here to do youth stuff, but it also feels pretty cruddy to feel more like volunteers than members of this community.  

Personally, I have dealt with that feeling by finding ways to be more a part of the staff community–going to supervision on my own, attending staff meetings whenever possible, volunteering to participate in things outside the youth sphere–but this whole thing truly is a two way street (to be as cliche as possible).  I can do that all I want, but I still feel sometimes that certain staff look at me differently, or choose not to engage me on things.  It’s hard, and I hate it sometimes, but I don’t know what else to do except keep trying.  I have less than two weeks left, but I want them to count.

SPeaking of two weeks left, I also have two weeks until Ords, and I haven’t exactly studied much…. whoops.  I am trying to sneak in some quality time with my book of order today, but I have a sneaky suspicion that I might be cramming a bit after the kids leave next week.

Pray for me!

there is something ridiculously satisfying about watching episodes of “weeds” in the youth initiative office…. I know its wrong, but it feels delicious!

These days, it feels as though every week here I find myself crushed upon by those who don’t care for my personality… every week I find myself brought to tears over something.

This sucks ass.

so it has been a long week, not only physically but especially emotionally and spiritually.  And after it all, I find myself feeling many many emotions that are swirling around, everything from excitement to intense despair to a sense of confusion and loss.  We had a group here from Grand Rapids this week, and they were a big group but very good and interesting kids who I hope got a lot out of the experience.  They were the exciting part.  Watching them interact, sometimes to the extent that things got intense, with the material and the sites was inspiring, as well as sometimes frustrating or saddening.  One girl is particularly on my mind this week, and will continue to be, for she was candid in a way I haven’t seen a lot of folks be about things that had happened to her in her own life and family.  

There was a lot, however, that leaves me feeling confused and sad and angry and frustrated all at once.  In some ways I could almost describe it as feeling violated.  To explain, this week I was the recipient of some pretty difficult criticisms, some done well and some done not so well.  My boss expressed a criticism of me that hurt to hear but helped me to think through some things that I hadn’t fully processed. That sucked when it was happening, but felt fruitful in the aftermath.  However, I am still reeling from what I can only describe as a full frontal assault (or at least it felt like it) from one of my co-workers today.  I love the people I work with, and I think the best of them, and I was very hurt and surprised to find myself in a situation that felt a whole lot like a “let me tell you everything I dislike about you” situation.  To be fair, I don’t know or think that this was the intention…. I find it hard to believe that anyone on our staff would intentionally go there.  But that is definitely what it felt like.  We have talked alot about compassion this week and understanding and I have tried (and failed sometimes) to live that out, and at times I have felt like  I was walking on eggshells in an attempt to be nice or kind to others, or to avoid seeming short or selfish to those I work with.  A feel as though a few of them have failed to give that intention back. 

So here’s what happened (at least as I heard it)– i was informed that I am insensitive and rude, examples of which being my request to the group to have an opportunity to say goodbye to Alex before he left for Maine on Thursday, my comment that “there are a lot of folks crying tonight” after the worship evening on Thursday, my telling someone that they had set something I was leading up incorrectly, my moving tables around for breakfast after someone had started setting up for breakfast already, etc.  Writing these down makes them sound all the more ridiculous than they felt while they were being thrown at me, but that isn’t the point of this.  I can understand that sometimes the things a person does can be taken negatively rather than neutrally (which is part of this).  In each case, my actions were interpreted as aggressive or malicious rather than simply neutral.  And part of this is a personality thing….. the person in question is very different from me and we have almost polar styles.  What is interesting to me, and most hurtful, is the lack of grace in all of this, what appears to be the assumption that I am somehow trying to make a person feel bad for something as simple as moving a table is beyond me.  What gets me the most about it all is that rather than talking to me about it, this person sat and festered with it and then used a group meeting to instigate what felt like a personal attack in the name of “group unity”.  Bullshit.  Its just my opinion, but if a person is feeling something like that inside, the way to deal with it, especially talking biblically, is to talk to the PERSON first.  Don’t hijack a staff meeting to stage an intervention.  I felt like I was being talked down to, as though my own feelings weren’t valid, and most of all, as though there was no attempt before hand to try to understand or gauge my own feelings.  And then I was told that this person had talked to EVERYONE else one on one about this before coming to the staff meeting… which made me feel ambushed.  I don’t know what to do about it, and this is really only a rant and not really answers, but I am seriously at a loss for how to move forward.  

I was never asked– why would you want to say bye to Alex?  Instead I was informed that it is cruel for me to try to be honest about that request because everyone else is either single or doing long distance right now.  I felt guilty having to explain that Alex and I are gearing up for almost a year apart, and that isn’t right or Christian to make a person feel that way.  

So thats where I am right now…. frustrated, confused, sad.  I cried a lot this week, and probably will some more before its all over (cuz it isn’t over).  I pride myself in working hard and being as selfless as I can, trying to do at least my share or more, but I feel as though none of that is appreciated.  Instead, I find that the more I do, the more crap I get.

Thats ministry, I guess…….

A lot on my mind today.  Things to remember-

-ana’s sharing during the zega exercise about abuse

-”It’s not like everyone in E. Grand Rapids lives right on the lake or anything; I mean I live there and I dont live on the lake…. I live a couple blocks away”

-the Star Wars “blind man” skit

-boundaries in ministry

-frustrations with what it means to work here

-tiredness

-emilio playing egyptian ratslap with the kids from Michigan

-peter’s and brenna’s enactment of the turning over the moneychanger’s tables in the temple

-bill’s sermon about God’s calling us to seek the better life that we often fail to see, the call to live more fully the life God made us for.

Things I am struggling with:

-feeling safe to express myself honestly without being judged or misinterpreted by others

-being honest about my boundaries and having those boundaries respected

-working on a team with other extremely extroverted, talkative people.

-finding God in the chaos

-staying emotionally healthy